Well, I'm here...

Okay, so I guess I'm a blogger now.
I've been feeling stressed lately and I decided that it might be more productive for me to blog about my feelings rather then pick fights with my husband. I'm such a thoughtful wife, I know.

So I've decided to start a blog. I think it will mostly be a chronicle of my pregnancy adventures.

Let me give you a little background about me-

I'm 25 years old, married for almost 2 years and I've already experienced 3 pregnancy losses. The first, I miscarried after my placenta partially detached at 8 weeks. The second was a natural miscarriage at 5 weeks and the most recent,this past July was the most painful.

*Warning-detailed loss mentioned*

if you don't want to read about loss, I'd suggest skipping down to the bottom

 I was 17 weeks along and I started experiencing some cramps that I thought were gas pains. I went to the bathroom because I thought I had to go. It was then that I felt a popping sensation down below.  I reached down and felt it. I felt a round smooth something protruding. I panicked. I yelled for my husband and he rushed me to the ER. There, they did an ultrasound. Baby was perfectly fine! Flipping around in there and waving at us. My spirits were lifted. Maybe it was a prolapsed uterus! Maybe it was nothing! Then they preformed a vaginal exam-

From there, it's all a blur. Apparently my cervix had opened on it's own and the round something that I had felt was my gestational sac coming out of my uterus.

AKA my body was in labor and trying to deliver my baby. My precious 17 week old baby who was still flipping around and waving at us in there...

After the exam, the ER doctor called my OB and he ordered them to have me transferred to the OB Department. To one of the rooms that they reserve for "fetal demises".  They flipped me nearly upside down, hoping that gravity would save us. Maybe the sac would go back in and then he could possibly stitch my cervix closed. I started to feel sick, they gave me something to calm me down. I reacted badly to the medication and it made me gag/retch. That's when my water broke. The pressure from me gagging broke my water and effectively ended any chance my baby had of survival.

So that was it. Since my water had broken, I had no choice but to try and deliver. I was in labor for nearly 24 hours and had only progressed to 4. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I just couldn't keep going. My husband and I opted to have a D&C (Dilation and curettage) performed. We didn't get to see our baby because obviously D&C's are not very gentle...

We were told that she was a girl, and that when my water broke, her umbilical cord collapsed and she passed away due to lack of oxygen. She was with the angels before the surgical procedure to remove her. Thank God for that. I was so heartbroken that I didn't get to see her, to hold her. But a couple wonderful nurses took our little one and made plaster molds of her hands and feet for us.

Those molds are so precious to me. She was perfect. And tiny. And innocent.
I miss her.

I feel like my body betrayed her, and although I know that I didn't do anything wrong, I still feel so guilty that the reason she didn't make it was because my body failed her.

I love her and miss her and think of her every day. Especially since I became pregnant again.

*safe to read again*

As of right now, I'm 20w5d pregnant and it's the furthest I've ever made it. I'm nervous as hell most days. I am constantly on high alert for any sign of something wrong. I'm guessing that's why I feel so stressed all the time.

I had a cerclage (cervical stitch) placed at 15 weeks to prevent my cervix opening again by itself. And so far so good! Everything looks great! I just need to make it about 19 more weeks.

I promise that the rest of my posts won't be this depressing! I just wanted to cover the basics and now we'll move on to better and more normal topics!

Thanks for joining me on my big adventure to bring our little one home.